The Lost One
by PinkCollins
Summary: Serena/Edward OneShot - - - - - "Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell." ― Edna St. Vincent Millay


**Hello, This oneshot came to me a while back and I have only recently found some time to finish it.**

**A/N - I spent a lot of time conducting research for a section of this chapter and I kept that section rather minimal as I didn't feel confident to go to extreme detail because of the subject matter. It too is a sensitive subject so I hope I haven't offended anyone, but I can ensure readers I used a number of medical resources and blogs from real life stories. **

**I hope this little oneshot is okay and not too depressing**

**Let me know what you think (If you really want to that is) **

**:)**

* * *

The Lost One

Christmas Eve, a time where anticipations were high, impending the next day; Christmas Day. This was the time of year when everyone should feel happy, and a time for family, a time for love. Yet however, many people kept up a happy pretence, pretending just to get through the day.

For Serena Campbell, it fell as a day she hated, Christmas brought back one too many bad memories, a time where she kept a happy face for her daughter Eleanor. Now that Eleanor turned eighteen, she had hoped she would not have to divulge in extravagant Christmas festivities, but this year Eleanor seemed more joyous than usual. University life seemed to turn her into a festive crazy loon, and Eleanor hoped to have a fun-filled Christmas with her family together. A wish quashed by her mother's disapproval.

This disapproval led to Eleanor opting to spend Christmas Day with her father Edward, even Serena's mother Adrienne decided to have Christmas with her friends at the residential home; meaning Serena would spend her day alone. Contemplating whether to grab a quick nap in the on-call room and work through Christmas Day despite not being on shift seemed like a fetching idea, at least it would kill the loneliness and stop her from spending the day with her face in countless bottles of Shiraz.

Serena even pondered what was stopping her from heading to Albie's right away, after all her shift finished half an hour ago and she aimlessly sat in her office considering her options and hiding her hatred for this festive time of year. All in all Serena decided home would seem the best option for her; at least she would avoid Christmas jollies and not get forced to join in.

A tap came to her office door; Serena's former Husband Edward waltzed in, once again acting as if he owned the place, his own self-important arrogance seeping out.

"Serena" Edward spoke with a lowered tone

"What do _you_ want?"

"I think you should come to my place for Christmas, Eleanor really wants you around"

"She should have thought about that before deciding she'd rather spend it with you" Serena angrily spat

"Don't be like _that_'

"I am not spending Christmas with you"

Edward placed a bottle of Wine on the desk; he had hidden behind his back "We could talk over a few glasses of this?"

"No"

_"Really?"_

"Yes, really. Shouldn't you get yourself home to Ellie?"

"She's out having a few drinks with friends"

"So you thought you'd bother me, how charming of you" The sarcasm evident in Serena's voice

Ignoring Serena's decline of the wine and found two mugs from the side and poured them half a mug each, Serena just glared at him, once again he acted like her office was his own and she hated it.

"To Christmas" Edward raised his mug hoping to toast the occasion

Rolling her eyes, Serena did not even pick up her mug; instead, she threw an icy glare. Edward noticed the hostility; he would admit that in recent weeks things had gone from a growing closeness between them to a hostile and tense. Edward was in hope that he could thaw the ice that had set in.

"You used to love Christmas" Edward remarked perching himself on the desk.

"I think you had a lot to play in my hatred for this time of year," Serena snapped

".. Serena, I..."

"Don't Edward, just _don't..."_

"It was fifteen years ago"

"Your point being?" Serena quizzed

"I just feel you should let it go"

"Let it go, it wasn't me who ..."

Ii - ~~ - iI

**Flashback - Christmas Eve 1998**

Heading back from the local supermarket Serena had just picked up a few last-minute items and undertaking her own personal errands, Serena was looking forward to this Christmas being just herself; husband Edward and three-year-old daughter Eleanor. The previous year they had been with Edward's parents, the year before that at Serena's mothers and for Eleanor's first Christmas was a big get together with all sides if the family present.

Opening the front door, Serena shook off her brolly, which had become covered in snow, placing it in the corner to dry off; Serena then dumped down her bags and took off her coat. Smiling to herself she felt warm inside, happy, everything felt perfect and she knew tomorrow would be perfect too.

As she was about to pick up her shopping bags, Serena noticed her daughter sitting on the rug in the hallway, playing with two dolls. Ignoring her, shopping Serena went straight to her daughter's side, crouching down to her level.

"Eleanor sweetheart, What are you doing out here?"

"Daddy, told me to play"

"Did he now" Serena smirked, she knew playing Barbie's was never Edward's thing, but she did wish that he'd put a little more effort into it ".. I wonder if he has put some rubbish on the television too"

Giving her daughter's shoulder a soft and loving squeeze, Serena stood herself up and made her way to the living room, she felt surprised to see the door shut tight. Something she could not understand giving that Eleanor was alone in the hallway.

Opening the door gently, Serena had no inkling of what she was about to witness. There on the sofa a young brunette straddling her husband, both half-naked and committing the sinful act of adultery. Flabbergasted Serena could say nothing she just watched; almost hoping she was imagining what she could see. However, of course, it was not her imagination, and this was reality. Softly placing her hand on her stomach, she still found it difficult to express any verbal communication.

The young woman, flickered open her eyes softly in a moment if ecstasy, those eyes met with Serena's.

"Shit" The young brunette exclaimed, instantly removing herself from Edward and in that short time Serena darted out of the room, picking up her daughter and talking her upstairs.

Taking her daughter straight to her bedroom Serena held back her tears, her hurt, and her anger.

"Sweetie, pick out a few of your favourite toys for me"

_"Why?"_ Eleanor questioned,

"Just do it for Mummy" Serena replied, "I want you to have chosen by the time I get back"

Serena exited Eleanor's bedroom, for a moment she stood by the stairs and listened to the shouting match that started to take place downstairs. Shaking her head in some disbelief Serena then started to pull out a number of suitcases from the linen cupboard and soon enough took the cases straight to her daughter's room. Not caring how near things were or what she packed, Serena placed whatever she could find of her daughters belongings into one of the suitcases.

"Mummy"

"Not now Eleanor"

"Mummy, what are you doing?"

"Eleanor, just be a good girl for Mummy" Serena replied zipping up the suitcase that she seemed to fill in no time at all "Stay right there, because we're going on an adventure"

Serena picked up her remaining suitcases and took them to her bedroom, as she frantically started to put her own items into the case, Serena found herself stopped by Edward.

Grabbing her arms, Edward took hold of her _"Serena..."  
_  
"Get _your_ hands _off_ me" Serena struggled in his grasp

"Serena... What are you doing?" Edward remained firm.

"I am leaving you" Serena broke free from Edward and continued to pack

".. Let me explain"

"No, no way"

"Where are you going to go?"

"None of your business" Serena snapped

"It's Christmas, what about _Eleanor"_

"She is coming with me; I'm not having her stay here why you turn this house into your bachelor pad"

"Serena, let's talk about this"

"I'd rather we didn't" Serena sneered, "You should get back to your whore"

Zipping up her final suitcase, Serena gave Edward a cold stare, before collecting Eleanor from her bedroom and heading out into the cold winter evening.

Ii - ~~ - iI

Bowing his head, as Serena reiterated his actions of that very day fifteen years ago. The pain dominant in her eyes, but Edward could sense that something went deeper; there was something there something that Serena was not telling him.

"... I can't express how sorry I am for doing that to you, you, and Eleanor" Edward paused "I thought you had forgiven me"

"So did I" Serena whispered, that much was true, she had recently found it in herself to truly forgive his actions, it fell down to their close working relationship and Eleanor's joy at her father being around more that allowed such forgiveness to come through. However, it was Christmas spirit that had taken it away; she could not allow herself to fall foolish to Edward's advances or allow herself to express happiness as a three-unit family at Christmas time, not with her secret that destroyed her world.

"What happened? I thought we were getting on so well, Eleanor enjoyed having us do things as a family"

"Yes, well Eleanor is an adult, maybe I should _finally_ reveal to her why we left you, I'm sure she will be less forthcoming"

"You wouldn't, you're not _that_ vindictive" Edward replied, knowing Serena may come across as a woman of steel and frightening exterior, but he knew she was not evil.

"You destroyed _my_ life; Edward" Blurted Serena, she had never been this frank about his betrayal.

"And I've paid for it ever since"

"Hardly"

"You wouldn't let me see Eleanor for the first year or so"

"I was not going to let her see you cavort dozens of woman in and out your life, or hers for that matter" Serena spoke with haste, she had never been so forthright in a professional surround about her private life before

"She is _my_ daughter too"

"Thankfully, she ended up being the only child to get caught in our mess"

"What is that supposed to _mean?"_

Averting her gaze, Serena replied "Nothing"

"Now I know that it means something" Edward spoke in frustration, he knew that much about woman, that he knew 'nothing' meant the complete opposite

"Forget I said anything, just go home will you"

".. Serena..." Edward paused "I wanted for us to have another child, you know I did... Look I messed up"

Those words brought darkness out in Serena's eyes, as she looked up to him, the darkness flooded with a salty shimmer of tears. She never could tell him what happened, from the day she walked out on him, he was not party to that information. That was until now, her guards down.

"We would have.., I was..."

For a second or two Edward looked perplexed, it took a while for him to digest Serena's words, seeing the darkness he realised he had started to unlock the things she had held back. In all seriousness Edward, realised now was not the time to start a war with his misguided apologies.

_"When?"_ The firsts words to fall from Edward's lips.

"It's not relevant anymore"

"Serena, please.."

"I found out fifteen years ago today" Serena met with Edward's eyes, the pain evident matching the tone of her voice "I would have told you Christmas morning.. But I ... You... "

Words failed Serena, apart from a handful of people no-one knew Serena's tale, she couldn't even reveal her anger to Edward, she couldn't shout at him, or even blame him anymore, the scar that started to open began to mask her feelings, instead all she could feel was a sensation like hundreds of knifes stabbing her heart.

"What happened to the baby?" Edward asked, for the first time in his life he felt unsure on what he should do in this moment.

Serena gave no response other than shaking her head.

"Did you _abort_ the baby to pay me back?"

Unbelievable words slipped from Edward's mouth, words that stung far worse than when Serena witnessed his sordid escapades, which broke their marriage.

"Like you said, I'm not that vindictive" Was all Serena could muster as the tears finally escaped her eyes.

"What happened?"

Serena shook her head once more, she did not feel strong enough to reveal all, Edward had never seen Serena so seem so vulnerable, when he came to talk to her, and this was not how he wanted things to go.

Ii - ~~ - iI

**Flashback - December 30th 1998**

Serena had moved away from her life in Southwark and temporarily found residence at her mother's in Surrey, for the time being she travelled to and from both locations for Work purposes, and had arranged for 'Temporarily reduced working hours' to start from January. She needed time to sort out alternative accommodation and the hours commute each way left her with little time to spend with her daughter.

Today she had left work early, feeling unwell Serena initially put that down to morning sickness, which had started to occur in the past week and she managed to hide it well from her mother and colleagues, blaming her peaky appearance on alternative factors such as stress or 'last night's dodgy curry' came as today's excuse. Hardly a plausible one since she had almost stopped eating since splitting with Edward, but Serena was no way going to profess to that. Her lack of nutrition fell as the main key to her feeling unwell.

Having calculated that she would now be nine weeks pregnant, had no idea what she was going to do, her career was so important to her, but she also did not have the heart to kill the life growing inside her. An early confrontation with Edward did not help matters, they did not even work in the same building, but somehow he managed to track her down to the staff room in a moment when she was alone and collecting her things after being told she needed to go home until she felt better. All the argument did was confirming that Serena did not want Edward back in her life; she did not want him to have part of the child's life.

In the home she grew up in, Serena felt grateful her mother Adrienne had taken Eleanor out for the day. Taking a few paracetamol Serena thought she should feel better in a few hours, but in reality the troubles just begun.

Now in a nightgown, Serena wrapped herself up into her bed covers of her childhood bedroom; Serena felt an uncomfortable feeling in her stomach and at first, she thought it could be hunger pains. Any medical knowledge she held seemed to disappear, her mind had been flaky for a while now so she never suspected the pain to have a medical link. She did not consider anything of these pains, despite the spotting she experienced earlier in the week, Serena discounted it as the norm; after all it happened when she was pregnant with Eleanor too. Yet the pains increased as time went on, and sharp.

Taking a moment, Serena took herself to the bathroom, holding her stomach, and then it just happened, Serena started to pass large clots, clutching with one hand on the sink Serena grabbed a hand towel from the side, and then placed it between her legs. She just sat on the floor holding her stomach as the white towel flooded a reddish pink.

Breaking down in tears, this stood as the worst possible thing that could ever happen to a woman, and it almost felt like karma. Karma for not letting Edward see his daughter, not letting him know where she was staying, losing her husband through adultery fell painful, but realising that it stood likely that she was having a miscarriage hurt her heart more than anything she experienced before.

Serena was alone and afraid, she did not have the strength to move, she was not religious but she prayed for her mother to return home early, she needed help, she needed medical help and her weak body started to crumble and rock softly back and forth as darkness surrounded her like a swarm of bees in a beehive. The world closed in, a lonely wilderness for which time stopped inside Serena's head as the world outside continued.

Ii - ~~ - iI

Serena did not have to show her pain, her story, and the black pools of Serena's eyes let Edward realised the true extent of the damage. His heart sank, feeling as if the heartache Serena had kept hidden for years was his fault. Had Edward stayed faithful, they would have least experienced this traumatic even together, he even clung on to the belief that had he not been unfaithful Serena would never of miscarried the child.

"... I... Serena, I should have been there," Edward sighed, crouching down beside her "You shouldn't have gone through this on your own"

"I _wasn't_ alone," Serena, mumbled, "I had my mum"

"You weren't at work for weeks; we all got told you had the flu"

"I didn't want anyone to know" Serena whispered

Edward clasped Serena's hands and placed a kiss on them. "I'm sorry..."

"I want you to go" Serena sniffed trying to compose herself.

"Let me share this moment with you" Edward pleaded, if he could not be there in 1995, he could at least be there now, to him it almost felt like it has occurred in present time.

_"Edward,_ go" Serena firmly spoke and that statement stood as a demand rather than a request.

Edward looked up to Serena, and her face had turned emotionless. Serena did the same in the three weeks she took off following her miscarriage; she buried the emotion that tormented her. As soon as it got too much she bottled them down, it felt safer that way. She never intended Edward to find out not ever, and the loss of their child stood in the way of the impending reconciliation that nearly was on the cards over recent weeks.

"Serena, please... Don't do t_his"_

"It has been and gone, just leave it"

"For you it may have, but not for me. Serena that was _my_ child too"

"You had no idea I was pregnant" Serena gritted her teeth together "Don't you dare try to drag out some sympathy from me, don't you dare"

"You felt brave enough to mention it just now, you trying to get one over on me just because Eleanor would rather spend time with me" Edward's voice poised with anger, he was not an angry man, but an inner demon had become released.

"You raised the issue of children and trapped me in a corner, I could hardly lie"

"You've lied for the past _fifteen_ years"

"Do you think I had a choice" Serena spat "You cheated on me Edward, you betrayed every ounce of trust I had in you. I was not going to let you in so you could walk all over me"

"You blame me?" Edward asked

"Not for the miscarriage, but for everything else"

"How many times can I say sorry?"

"Sorry will _never_ be good enough Edward, you have no idea what it has been like for me, no _bloody_ idea and you think you have the right to get on your high-horse over the subject" Serena paused and took a deep breath stopping herself from saying anything else that she may later regret.

"Well fuck you" Not the intentional words to fall from Edward's lips, but the internal rage and anger speaking, this discovery of the child that never became of anything rocketed his emotions, emotions that Edward never knew he had. "_Fuck_ you Serena"

"Get out Edward" Serena's voice peeked new heights.

"Gladly" Edward scoffed instantly throwing Serena a look of total disgust; he felt hurt that Serena never previously acknowledged him and continued to belittle his emotions on the loss of their child; he could not see anything but a vindictive motive being Serena revealing the tragic even at a time like this. He could not see his own fault in Serena's refusal to acknowledge him fifteen years ago. Storming out the office, he ensured the door slammed shut behind him.

The bang of the door startled Serena as she took a few more deep breaths and nervously fiddled with her hands, Edward's reaction shocked her, and his quick change in demeanour terrified her she had never seen him like that before. Unable to find a reasonable outlet for her emotions, she picked up the mug of Wine that Edward had earlier poured, the alcoholic taste instantly taking the edge off her feelings.

Christmas held too many bad memories for her from that one December in 1995, and as much as deep down she still had love for Edward, it could never serve as enough to heal the heartache that developed and seemed to head into overdrive during Christmas time. As she continued to drink, Serena started to think of the life that could have made it into the world if her pregnancy went full term.


End file.
